i’m not that strong to go through what i did before with the monkeys. and i’m not looking forward to. and i can’t even imagine it involving you.

i miss you. december was the one month i was looking forward to this month but i guess it doesn’t seem like it has huh?

p.s: you’re silly you know. you didn’t had to write on my wall just because of what i said. do it because you want to not because you have to. and i know you only did it because you had to not because you want to

Me:
really appreciate that you are telling me this..I like people being frank with me.

I think what both of us need is just some space? I believe you need a little time to yourself so that you can get over this..I mean, I have no one but myself to blame..And i know about the distance thing and about us feeling abit far apart. It’s just that, I want to do more, but I really can’t do much..You are in London and I am over here, but if there is really something I can do to make it up to you, just say it and I would do it..There’s another thing, this new place where I am, it’s very different from where I used to be. It’s not like every weekend(If I am even able to go home every weekend) when I get to get home I can just relax and do nothing. I have to study for tests(Yes, there are tests in NS), maintain fitness, study for King’s interview and to add to that, training is now tougher and every weekend I come back tired like nobody’s business. This is seriously alot on my hands and I apologize that I am not able to do much, because I just don’t have the time to go out / talk to many friends.

So, what I am trying to explain is that, yeah, I understand you expect more from me than a sorry. But I am sorry, I am not able to live up to your expectation of me as a good friend.. I really don’t have the time and I hardly get to go out, a normal weekend for me is, out of camp on saturday, rest/sleep, start studying/excercising, Sunday, study/maintain fitness, go church, pack and go back to camp. And this distance that you are feeling would be the same even if I was in OCS with a computer in my room, becuase my friends over there are complaining that they don’t even have time to shower and worst, they are confined for 3 weeks in that place while I am not even confined at all and to add to that, they have even more tests than we do, every weekend would be just sleep time for them.

But as I was saying, If there was anything I could do to make it up to you, I would do it. Because, there’s no point of me mailing you a letter saying sorry, when I can’t even pin down how sorry I am now and I really have no idea how to make it up to you.

Well, don’t let this make you not enjoy dec, dec is a great month.
——————————————————————-

And I stayed up the whole night just to wait for you to come online so that I can ask you whether you are alright. And all you could say its, that you are not angry and you are just disappointed?

disappointed?

What in the freaking world do you want me to do?! I am freaking tired after NS and after I say sorry to you, you have the cheek to say that you expect more of me? Hello? don’t you understand we are continents apart? what do you want me to do? Fly a plane over and visit you to personally deliver to you a bouquet of roses?

Hey, wake up, I am hurt too, I am hurt that you don’t understand that sometimes you just can’t talk to a guy like he’s your boyfriend, and then when he eventually falls for you, you go, IF I GAVE YOU ANY FALSE HOPE, I am sorry. But i choose to totally ignore it and concentrate on you. You tell me that you know I am really sorry..and I already said whatever that you want, ill make it up to you because I DON’T KNOW WHAT ESLE I CAN DO!!!!!! OMG WOMAN?!?!?! You tell me you are disappointed?!?!?! SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?! Go over and kiss your feet?!

I am totally sick of you treating me like this! You can just leave me alone ok! Stop sending me smses and stop all these emails saying how you miss me and all that..I didn’t ask for that xmas/bdae sms from you anyway, I didn’t expect any from you either.

Honestly, what do you expect me to say? you say you are uncomfortable talking to me and that you feel distant from me. Give us a little bit of time to ourselves la! Isn’t that what everybody does?! I can’t be there for you every weekend like last time during BMT ok? Life in NS changes for me and freaking SISPEC is not a FREAKING PLAYGROUND OK?!? It’s a freaking Leader’s school and everything is different. Can’t you even understand that I am really tired after 1 whole week there and I still have all my IPPT and weapon’s tests to study for because if I don’t study for them, I can fucking throw away the fucking dream of going into OCS. You say you are disappointed. You say that you expect more from me becuase I am your “Maxy”. Fuck man, I am your good friend, not your dog. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? It’s because I am your good friend that’s why you should understand that I am really sorry and you would understand that NS is important to me at this point of my life! You know me? Yeah ok, but we have hardly been in contact after i pissed you off and my priorities have changed. Can’t you see that as much as I don’t want to lose a friendship which took 1.5 years+ to built, I also can’t balance long distance friendships with my NS, I can’t talk to u from 12 midnight to 6am in the morning like i used to over skype? Maybe it’s becuase I was giving too much and I didn’t expect anything back that’s why you expect so much of me now. But woman, you have to grow up out of that shell you are in, I can probably empathize with you if I was in London studying university right now, but no, I am stuck in an army camp and we are separated by a 12hr flight.

But you know what pisses me off the most, it’s not this. It’s because every single secret that I told you about gets leaked out. And I know it’s from you because you are the only one whom I told. I knew that I couldn’t really trust you already when you told me about how Chloe liked me abit and stuff in concord. She even told you not to tell me and you did. You betrayed her trust and from then on, i got a little suspicious. But you know what made my blood boil? My Cambridge interview is important to me and I told you I went to UK for interview while I told the others i came here for the holiday. Wtf man, I didn’t even tell Chloe about the interview, BUT I TOLD YOU! You know why, I hated to believe that you couldn’t keep secrets and I wanted to prove to myself that you can. But you know what, I called Chloe a few days ago and she told me that you told her about it. SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM. Don’t you understand the words, “PLEASE KEEP THIS TO YOURSELF?” Were you drunk on that day I told you about my Cambridge interview? Or did you do it because you thought that since I liked Chloe, you assumed that she should know about this..Assumptions is the mother of all fuck ups and I learnt that in NS. Woman, why can’t you just shut up. And that’s another reason why I am thinking twice before considering you as my good friend again. Because, I trust my good friends. and if there is no trust between the both of us. I think friend would be a better word. And freaking hell, the reason why I am ranting here and not in your face is that I don’t want you to freaking break down and cry and you know why? I still do care for you as a friend and I think about how this is going to affect your exams which is in 2 weeks. I even told you that I trust you with my Cambridge Interview..and you do this to me. I still don’t understand why in the world am I even talking to you. maybe it’s because I owe you quite a bit.

You see Ada, even someone who calls you a good friend can do this to you. Can ask you for more than a sorry because you are their close friend, can’t even keep secrets properly. I don’t know man.
But don’t worry Ada, I’ll be alright and I forgive her. I just can’t believe she is this kind of person.

It’s coming towards the exams and this happens to me.
In my somewhat stressful life here, everytime I talk to you, everything just fades away.
Tiredness, anxiousness, and all negative feelings just drown in your eyes.
But have you ever felt the same?

Everyday I wake up and hoping that I would meet you while walking to school.
Even the time inbetween lessons, It would be just wonderful to just say “hi”
or maybe watch you smile.
Everyone says its not the time.
I havn’t really accepted that. Sadly.

I hate putting up a front. But I don’t think I have a choice anymore.
It hurts everytime people ask but i have denied each time just saying we are good friends.
Is there any other way to tell you how I am feeling right now?

But I will never get a chance because it’s either choosing what I want or what you want.

And I choose the latter.
Sooner or later I will accept the facts.

But, after i told my da jie i am going there. She got a bit…i don’t know…stunned?. ya, and now, she not as fun wif me liao..But, she got bf liao la..FINALLY. so like, i am quite alrite with her not being as close with me. after that bf jealous sia.